How to Own a Customer

• Damn, sometimes I wish I could be a stripper. I would be so retired by now. Well, those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. So here's today's lesson.

  It never ceases to amaze me how bad most dancers are at their jobs. By "bad" I mean bad at making money, bad at turning stage gawkers in to paying customers. The unfulfilled earning potential is fucking staggering. If you really hate dancing, don't even bother to read this, because it will probably just piss you off. But if you're reasonably okay with your job, consider indulging some of my never-too-humble suggestions.

Part 1. A Stage Performance that Sells

• With very few exceptions, your stage show is your advertisement for private dances. Unfortunately, most stage shows suck (sorry, but they do), and a lot of guys are neutral about them. This is especially true in high-contact lap dance clubs. But a better than average stage show will get their attention, and all it takes is a little creativity to easily outshine your boring competition. What should I wear?

  You can't please everyone, but you can get their attention. Costumes don't have to be elaborate, but you should have a distinct look. First off, make sure you are visible. Dark colors on dark skin in a dark club make you almost invisible. Customers should be able to spot you (and recognize you) from across the club.

  On stage and off, wear something sexy, interesting and, most importantly, different. Is that too vague? Make it very something; e.g., very elegant, very colorful, or very slutty. Don't just wear a bikini, unless it's an especially hot one. A simple bikini is boring. Leather and chains may have a strong appeal, but to a narrower group of guys than lingerie.

  On stage, strip out of something interesting, not just a bikini or skimpy lingerie. I don't need to see your pussy at the start of your first song. One memorable stage routine was tall Norwegian goddess coming out dressed like a librarian - business suit (with hot lingerie underneath), glasses, hair up, the whole deal. I'm jaded enough to sleep through most stage shows, but seeing her work her way out of that and into a teasing masturbation show got my blood pumping!

  What makes a good stage show?

  You don't have to be a feature to perform like one, and this will make you stand out from the crowd of boring strippers. For examples, check out the stage shows of performers like Shannon Rush, Jade Blue Eclipse, or Suzi Suzuki. Or check out movies like Striptease and Showgirls; as badly as they sucked, the dancing they showed beat the living hell out of 95% of the stage work seen in clubs today. There's nothing any of them do that you can't emulate with your own style.

  Exactly how you stand out matters less than the fact that you do stand out! Play on your strengths. If you're great at slow, seductive teasing, make a show of it. Remember to smile a lot and make eye contact. If you're high-energy, a well-rehearsed, polished routine will command attention. Remember to smile a lot and make eye contact. If you like nasty play, bring on the toys! (One CP gal used to do hysterical things with Big Sticks, M&Ms and sushi, and she always packed the stageside seats.) Remember to smile wickedly and make eye contact. And if you're doing a masturbation show, don't half-ass it with some sad, bored look on your face. Get into it! Cum like Meg Ryan (i.e. convincingly) near the end of your last song. Then regain your composure and thank everyone at the stage individually.

  If other girls give you the "who does she think she is" attitude, fuck 'em. You'll be laughing (and lapping) all the way to the bank.

  Is there anything I shouldn't do?

  Don't rely on the same old boring moves than every "dancer" uses: lazily spinning around the pole, rolling on the floor, crossing and uncrossing your legs in some tired old predictable way.

  Don't slap your ass. It's not really that this is a turn off; we guys just don't get it. We see it as weird. If it's a light B&D thing you're going for, use another girl. There's a girl at MSC who rolls around on the floor with a dollar bill stuck in her pussy. This also is weird, not sexy. What the fuck is she thinking?

  Don't get visibly miffed if people at the stage aren't tipping. Smile and deal with it. Remember that the stage is more for advertisement than earning.

  Piercings and tatoos

  You're free to do whatever you want to your body, and you may view tats, rings and studs as decorative body art, but they're huge turnoffs to a lot of guys. You won't lose any customers by not having these, and only a small percentage of guys actually prefer them. (Personally, I find navel rings extremely sexy. Clit rings, tongue studs and small, sexy tatoos aren't bad either. Pierced nipples, eyebrows, noses and cheeks don't work for me.)

  Should I shave my pubic hair?

  Very few guys like a full, natural bush. Most don't. A few like it completely shaved. But most of us prefer something between these extremes. We like at least some pubic hair maintenance, somewhere between neatly trimmed all over and shaved around your labia with a landing strip on top.

  Should I get a boob job?

  Laar's big confession: I'm not a boob man. I just don't get breast fetishes, so boob size doesn't make much difference to me one way or the other. (Personally, I have a cunnilingus fetish, so I'm fixated on pretty pussies, but that's a whole other story.) However, most guys do seem to prefer something in the C-D range. But breast quality is more important than size. If they're naturally firm, regardless of size, leave them alone. If you have big, saggy udders like Christy Canyon, I'd say, sure, get them done. But if you're just small-busted and want some nice C-cups, whatever you do, spend enough money ($6-10k) to get them done right. A set of cheap, ugly, $2,500 bolt-on tits will ruin an otherwise beautiful body. I don't want to see the outline of the bag. I'd prefer not to see scars. I don't want them to feel hard. (Firm is good; hard is bad. Don't get your boobs done if you don't know the difference.) Jenna Jameson and Janine Lindemulder had some of the most perfect B-cups the world had ever seen. Both got tit jobs. Janine got good ones. Jenna got bad ones. Compare and learn.

Step 2. The Personal Approach - How to Close the Private Dance Deal

• A few dancers have told me that they think guys have already made up their minds about whether to spend money on a girl after seeing her on stage or watching her work the room. This may be true for a few guys, but (whether we admit it or not) we're usually very open to having our minds changed. That's what seduction is all about.

  First off, the don'ts: Never ever just walk up and ask, Wannadance? And I don't just mean using these words. Don't just walk up and ask, Want company? or Would you like to play? (Although the latter one works like a charm on me if my eyes have been following you around the room.) Don't start out by asking me to buy you a drink. Introduce yourself. Ask if it's okay if you sit with me.

  If one of the first 10 words you say to me is "suck", "fuck" or "dick", I peg you as a scam artist and you're not getting a dime. On the other hand, if you use this bait and a guy takes it, go ahead and take all of his money. Make him go to the ATM for more. He won't be this gullible for long. But follow through and give him the best sex of his life. Hey, if you talk the talk...

  What makes guys tick?

  The girls who think there is an easy answer to this are the same ones who wonder why they're not making any money. We guys are as totally unpredictable as you all are. A guy's reason for being in a club could be anything from ease my terminal lonliness to gimme sexy entertainment to make me cum. You can't read his mind, and you can't guess by looking. Once you know his motivations, you're halfway to owning him. And if you guess wrong, you're not going to connect. If you don't connect, he's not going to spend any money on you.

  "I hate when guys waste my time just talking."

  Tough shit, honey. Learn to chat me up or quit stripping and go to mime school. There's no other way to get into my head. This is your sales pitch, only don't make it seem like a sales pitch. Think of it as mental foreplay.

  If you want an easy formula, here's one: Talk for five minutes. That's enough to feel me out, so to speak. No more. No less. Five minutes of your time is an investment; half an hour is a waste. Don't waste both our time by hanging out too long. I might have my eye on someone else.

  Can't think of anything to talk about?

  • Ask my name. Remember it. Don't get excited to see me if you don't remember my name.
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  • Ask what I do, so I can lie and tell you I'm an astronaut. Be genuinely impressed. Don't pretend to get all wet if I say I'm an accountant; just talk about needing tax help and act like I'm a godsend.
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  • Don't talk about your problems, or your kids, or your boyfriend/husband. (You have none of these, unless I get obsessive.) It's okay to have a girlfriend. You and she seduce guys together.
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  • You don't hate all the other dancers, but you might secretly warn me about which one will try to rip me off.
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  • Most importatly, talk about your sex life, which, of course, is just like the letters to Penthouse. Talk about it matter-of-factly; don't switch to some phoney 900-number voice.

  Do this for five minutes, then pop the question. Personally, I like the "Why don't we go play for a while" approach. Rookie customers might feel less pressured (or less threatened) by the less-suggestive "Can I do one private dance for you?" After all this, who could refuse?

  If I don't buy right now, don't burn your bridge with me by nagging, whining or getting pissed. (At least now we have a bridge!) If you're cool, there's a good chance I'll buy later. How do you make a clean getaway? Chat for another minute or two, then say, "Hey, I'm going to go see if one of these guys will buy a dance or two from me. Can I come back and play with you in a while?" Result: An easy, non-insulting way to make the point that spending more than a few minutes with you takes some cash. If he likes you, limiting your visits to five minutes will be enough to motivate him to buy more of your time. Trust me on this. I'm a guy.

Part 3. The Private Dance - Up Close and Personal

• Payday. Get this part right and you own me.

  First, if private dances are done somewhere other than where I'm seated, walk with me, not 10 paces ahead of me. Same thing when the dances are over. Don't just grab the money and bolt; walk out with me.

  Second, insulting my intelligence is a major party foul. Don't tell me how big my dick is if it isn't. Don't tell me I'm handsome if I'm not. Don't ask me how often I work out if I'm out of shape. Don't tell me that I smell good if I don't. Compliments that work are original and sincere. If you have to fake it, you better fake it well.

  Third, if in your sales pitch you said you would do something, do it. If you don't, I just file you under "lying scam artist" and buy dances from someone else. You can't get regulars by ripping guys off. I'll also warn my friends, who in turn warn their friends. If you bend the rules, or especially if you break them altogether, let me think you do it only for me, unless I know otherwise. If you've danced for my friends, assume I know everything.

  Start the dance slowly. A good dance has a natural progression, like sex. Sex doesn't start with an orgasm. (Well... aww, nevermind.) Start with foreplay. Dancing foreplay, that is. Build up to the more intense stuff.

  Now, a word about grinding, particularly grinding too hard. Don't try to grind me into a fleshy pulp. This doesn't feel good.

  Watch my face. If I look like I'm about to cum, back off a little. Just a little. The longer you keep me at this point, the longer I keep spewing money. It's biologically impossible for a guy in this condition to refuse the next dance. Or the next, or the next. If this is a finish me off kinda dance, only finish me when I run out of money.

  Now, you own me. I'm going to go take a cold shower.

  Strip well and prosper.